Archive for April, 2012

The Unusual Suspects

Posted: April 30, 2012 by baki3626 in Comic Monday
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Welcome back to Comic Monday! If this is your first time here then I apologize. If you’re returning then you should apologize to yourself! But since we are all here, let’s just make the best of this.

Today, I thought I would introduce you to some of the characters featured in “Slate & Ashe”. The cop and zombie comic I introduced you to last week. So without further stalling, here they are.

The Cop

This plucky little guy is named Marlon Ashe. What he lacks in size he more than makes up for with lip. If he can’t shoot his way out a situation with his custom-made hand-cannon called the “Switch-Lock” than he’ll just shoot off his mouth. And I’m honestly not sure what’s worse. Point is, this cop goes together with zombies like…well, cops and zombies!

The Zombie

This here is the second half of the bizarre dynamic duo. Meet Dr. Vickrum Slate. As smart as he is cynical. His personality gives all new meaning to the phrase, “The living dead.” But despite his desert dry sense of humor and even drier skin, he moves like a jack rabbit on crack. Some believe he’s faster than a speeding bullet while others just think he’s allergic to them. Either way, he’s as much a nightmare for a cop’s gun as he is a running zombie.

The Blond Bastard

Don’t let this guy’s golden locks fool you. Underneath Bertram Thomas’  winning smile and perfect set of abs lies a sadistic mercenary that would and has done anything for the right price. He’d even shoot his own mama…again! Amongst the bounty hunters, mercs and other degenerates there’s a little saying. “In the land of the bad-asses, Bert Tom’s got the biggest cheeks.” Do you know who coined this expression? Bertram Thomas! The only thing bigger than his prices is his ego. And that’s saying something.

The Big Dog

Many have had the fortune of meeting the zombie known as Hyde. But almost none have survived the fortune. With the strength of an angry Hulk and the personality of a coked out Scarface, this mountain of muscle is as feared by the cops as he is by other zombies. He rarely speaks because he rarely needs to. His actions don’t just speak loudly. They scream. Only three things in this world are certain: Death, taxes and if you see Hyde, drop what you’re doing and run your ass off!!

Well thanks for taking the time to meet the crew. Hopefully they were less annoying than the person that created them. But seeing as how that person is me….

Please come back next Monday for more “Slate & Ashe”. Take care peoples!

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Me and My Pops

When I was young, I use to look at my relationship with my dad like Luke Skywalker’s relationship with Darth Vader. My pops was always traveling the galaxy because of work, he usually wore a lot of black, and when he talked to me it usually sounded like an asthmatic James Earl Jones. But as I got older, I realized that my old man was like Vader in other ways. Under his big, shiny, plastic helmet there lied a bald, pasty geriatric with prosthetic limbs and a real heart. Um… instead of breaking down this runaway metaphor any more, how bout I just tell you a little story that kinda sorta illustrates my point. I call it…”The Lawnmower Man.” (NOT to be affiliated in any way with that train wreck of a movie)

For my tenth birthday, my pops started letting me cut the grass with him. I have absolutely no memory of asking for that as a present but it’s the thought that counts…I guess.

Sweaty-head

And it was actually kinda cool. Every Saturday morning, I would go out after watching cartoons, attempt to make small talk with the old guy and then bond with Mother Nature through diesel fuel and motorized machetes. Having the sun cook my skin while sweat glued my t-shirt to my  pre-pubescent body made me feel like a man. A man’s man! Unfortunately, you don’t officially get your “man-license” until you’ve had a “right of passage.”

DYK #1: Did you know that my father is a master of efficiency? Man once stayed up to 3 in the morning studying road maps just to find a route that would save us 10 minutes on a trip to my aunt’s house in Atlanta. How do I know this? Because I was the little dumb-ass holding the road maps for him.

Bucky

So in order to make our Saturday morning lawn care that much more efficient, I would cut all the grass in the backyard with a medieval push-mower while my pops cut the grass in the front on his riding mower named “Bucky.” I always wanted to ride Bucky. He was bright red, his grille made him look like he was smiling and it was much better than using a safety-free push mower on uneven, unstable soil. I literally had to wear work gloves when I held the thing to keep from getting tetanus. And I basically had to hot-wire it while yanking on the ripcord in order to get it started. Not to mention that this Clydesdale of cutting was built during WWII and was made out of the finest steel plated iron the U.S. of A had ever produced. Which meant it weighed twice as much as me. And I was a husky kid! But I digress. The point I’m trying to make is that the push-mower definitely ran things. And me. If he wanted to go left, we went left. If he wanted to take off and go blazing down a hill into a tree, that tree didn’t stand a chance. And if he wanted to go into a ditch that looked like something Gollum lived in, well then I would end up having my “right of passage.”

DYK #2: Did you know that bees, wasps, yellow jackets and any other insects with the ability to sting human flesh hate the vibration of a push-mower? Did you know that medieval push-mowers are very aware of this and like to piss off bees, wasps, yellow jackets and other insects with the ability to sting human flesh? I do….now!!

Hellacious Hive

The aforementioned ditch was situated right next to the back of my house. And it was in said ditch that the Juggernaut of hives lay. I believe it was originally attached to my house but got so big that it fell off. This mammoth hive was easily comprised of about 95% of the world’s species of insects. How do I know my math is correct? Because when my WWII push-mower careened into the ditch, every insect I ever saw in National Geographic attacked me! Luckily, I was a skittish little thing. The second the first bee started shaking it’s pointy ass at me, I let go of the mower and ran. I ran like Forrest Gump on a football field. I ran until I saw purple and tasted onions. And then…I ran some more.

Getting the Gump Out of There

When I finally stopped running, I decided to tell my pops about the war going on in our backyard between the tetanus tank and the Wu-Tang Killer Bees. This greatly troubled my dear father. Not because his son had third degree bee stings or because I had managed to wet myself multiple times. No, no, this troubled him because it was inefficient. The time I spent preserving my life was time not spent cutting grass. So my pops stroked his mustache, hopped off Bucky and boldly strutted to the backyard like Don Cornelius into Studio 54. I tried to warn the fool! I said,”Fool,” I mean, “Dad, it’s not worth it! The bees own the mower now! Tomorrow they’ll own the house! Let’s just ride Bucky off into the sunset and see where we end up!” But the old man wasn’t haven’t it. That grass was getting cut, damn it, and not even God Himself could stop him! But what about bees, wasps, yellow jackets and other insects that enjoy stinging human flesh?

Please come back next week for part two of this recently un-repressed memory of mine entitled “Old Man vs. Wild.”

Killer Bees on the Swarm

My Little Bronie

Posted: April 25, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World

As you all read last week, Ethan has extended an invitation for me to be a blogging partner, and that’s groovy, considering most invitations I receive involve the words, “You’re now invited to leave.”  Since I’m sticking around, take a seat, get comfortable and turn on your inner Cartoon Network because we’re about to enter the world of “Equestria.”

About nine months ago, my 3 year old son asked the Hubs and me for “that purple toy…it flies fast and ZOOM!”  After about three days of mass confusion and begging, we remembered that the Hubs let Will watch “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic,” and we realized Will was asking for a Rainbow Dash Action Figure from said cartoon.

Now, I’m not that kind of mom that scowls at little boys playing with “little girl” toys, so I bought it for him, along with a few other ponies, so Rainbow Dash wouldn’t be lonely, but now he’s asking for the official Canterlot Castle to house them all in, and this obsession of his has prompted my husband to bring up the term “Bronie,” which you can go ahead and confuse with “Brony” because they mean the same thing.

1.BRONIE (bro-knee) (Bro+pony=Bronie)

Adult male viewers of the cartoon, “My Little Pony:  Friendship is Magic.”

In a nutshell, it’s a grown dude that likes “My Little Pony.”  I probably don’t need to say this, but three years old is far from grown; however, even if Will was a legit “Bronie,” I’d be cool with it.

There’s a ton to love about this little show, but from what I’ve read the adult male following of “My Little Pony” seems to have been made to go on the defensive about their continued enjoyment of a little girl’s cartoon.  Here’s what I have to say about that; “Haters gonna’ hate.”

To be quite honest, I’m picking up what the “Bronies” are throwing down.  I dig a little Pinkie Pie  here and there.  She throws good parties, makes up funny songs and is a little “cray,” just like me.  If I’m an adult woman, should I too be made to feel funny for enjoying this adorable little show?  I think not.  To go even further, I’m quite disappointed that the wittiest name that anyone has come up with thus far for adult women who like the show is “Filly.”  Come on now. We’re about to change that.

1.HONIE (hoe-knee) (Ho+pony=Honie)

Adult female viewers of the cartoon, “My Little Pony:  Friendship is Magic.”

Synonym(s) – Filly.

You cannot invite Ted to the “My Little Pony” marathon this weekend.  We’re having a fillies’ night out.  Honies before Bronies.  Duh.”

Now, before you go judging me for injecting the word “Ho” into a children’s television show, let’s make it even more fun for adults to watch.  What if we invent a drinking game where every time “Somepony” says the word “Pony,” you must “Pour out a lil’ liquor for your Honie,” and take a shot?  This show would undoubtedly become the most watched television show on the planet.  It could be the best drinking game ever, but you’ll never know unless you give it a try.  Maybe this is what the “Bronies” and college kids alike  have been doing all along, and we’ve all missed out on some seriously raging “My Little Pony” marathons.

In summation, I’ve had to explain to Hubs that while our son is not yet a qualified “Bronie,” we still really love watching the show with him, so let’s save our hate for something more substantial, like Larpers.

  1. LARPERLive Action Role Playing + “er”

-can be found in parks and public recreational areas wielding makeshift weaponry from nearby fallen trees. 

-Generally well versed in Dungeons and Dragons

A Cop and A Zombie

Posted: April 23, 2012 by baki3626 in Comic Monday
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Hello good people of the digital age. For those of you that are unaware, I don’t just love all things comics with a slightly unhealthy obsession. I also write them…with a slightly unhealthy obsession. So, I thought I would share some of my obsession with you good folks in all its unhealthy glory.

The above image is the cover from one of my comics called “Slate & Ashe.” The best way to think of this book is if John McClane from “Die Hard” and Frasier Crane from “Frasier/Cheers” teamed up to fight zombies. Oh and Frasier is a zombie himself.

So, does this little cover leave you feeling confused beyond belief? Perhaps it intrigues you. Or maybe after seeing it, you’re just left feeling severely angry and would like men with crowbars to visit me in the middle of the night. Well, all these emotions are actually correct. But I will continue to post images and pages from this comic in the upcoming weeks in a feeble attempt to solidify your pre-conceived notions of it that much more.

Hope you like. Or at least can tolerate. Until next Monday…

Ethan

Mario, you plunger-handed, mustached-munchkin, I, King Bowser Koopa, have your precious little peach. Princess Peach!! Never realized her actual name was “Peach” until we all played tennis together. Or was it when we were doing all that go-karting? Maybe it was at one of those crazy parties you kept throwing all those years ago. Any hoo, I got the broad!! And if you want her, you will gimme exactly what I want. No questions asked or her platinum perm goes up in smoke!! Bwa-hahahahahaha!!!!!!!

1. 1 new castle: You know how much property damage you’ve caused over the years!? I don’t wear clothes because I can’t afford ’em!!

2. 2 dozen new flag poles: Your overall-ed ass has been overall my flagpoles! Things are either bent, covered in marinara or just plain stinky.

3. 3 gallons of turtle wax: That’s right, I’m a turtle. Not a dragon!! And you’ve been jumping on my shell like a toddler on a sugar binge!!

4. 1 new pair of shoes: You get to wear ’em, why can’t I?! Plus my castles are all stone. You know how much it hurts to stub your toe on a big-ass rock…EVERYDAY?! Why do you think I’m always so angry!?

5. 1 giant jacuzzi: Between your bouncing and yanking on my tail, I can barely sit down! Could really use those relaxing jets.

6. 30 bowls of pasta: Gotta feed these friggin Koopa kids. Should make an entire list of food just for their fat mouths!!

7. 1 full dental package: My chompers have gotten torn to shreds because of you! With all the hammer throws and turtle shells to the mouth and even those stupid tail whaps in that goofy raccoon outfit, my grille looks like an abandoned rock quarry!!!

8. 2 hearing aids: Those damn “super star power ups” of yours play one hell of an annoying tune!! So annoying that it literally ruptured my ear drums!!!

9. 1 super spa treatment complete with a deluxe mani-pedi: My nails are just all kinds of… NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!

10. Luigi’s corpse: Neither of us are gonna miss him. If anybody asks, I did it.

Now, you give me everything on this list and I’ll give you back your high-pitched amazon princess… relatively unharmed. She stubbed her toes a few times.

P.S. Make sure that Toad personally delivers all this to me. Toad and Toad alone! NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!

NEW TEAM MEMBER

Posted: April 18, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World, Notifications
Tags: , ,

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, werewolves and vampires, please join me in welcoming another word-slinger to my little chunk of cyberspace. She’s been a friend of mine for nearly two decades. I met her way back in 8th grade Drama class and did a critically panned play with her in front of countless victims/students. Her intellect is only eclipsed by her charisma. And her charisma is only eclipsed by her sense of humor. And her sense of humor is only eclipsed by her intellect!

Homo sapiens of Earth please put your greasy, sweaty, simian hands together for my life-long crush, Mrs. Ferne Emery! Ferne will be launching her own page on my blog next week. And unlike mine, it promises to be both entertaining and enjoyable!

Ferne is an inspired story-teller and story-listener and will bring something to the table that I can’t. Talent. She will officially begin blogging on here next week. “About what?!” you might ask like a crazed maniac. Well maniac, come back next Wednesday and read for your crazed self!

Please show Mrs. Emery the same courtesy you’ve shown me on “Man-Made Murphy” and welcome her with open arms, burnt offerings and first-born babes. I guarantee she won’t disappoint.

Ferne and her family

 

MIKE: “Hello and welcome back to “Behind the Mask”! I’m your host Mike R. Fones and today I have a very special guest. The “King of the cape and cowl”, the Dark Knight himself, Gotham City’s own, Batman. How are you, sir?”

BATMAN: “Fine.”

Mike: “Good, good. Well, thanks for joining us today. I….

BATMAN: “Us? You said this would be one-on-one.”

Batman slowly balls up his fist…tight!

MIKE: “Well, it is just us: you, me and the people that will be watching this on television.”

Batman throws a bat-a-rang at the camera shattering its lens.

BATMAN: “No photography.”

 

MIKE: “Right, right. Sorry, I….”

Batman throws a handful of bat-a-rangs and takes out every light in the studio.

BATMAN: “Or lights.”

MIKE: “Geez!!! I don’t think any of that stuff was insured! Ah well.  Guess I should’ve seen that coming. Haha, get it? Seen and lights…?”

Batman slowly balls up his fist…tight!

MIKE: “Um, moving on, tell us, I MEAN, me, tell me and ONLY me, how you got into super-heroing.”

BATMAN: “Long story.”

MIKE: “No worries. I got long ears! Ha! You know because you said…”

Batman slowly balls up his fist…tight!

MIKE: “What I meant to say is, are you following in the family business? Are your parents crime-fighters? Cops maybe?”

Batman gets silent…er.

BATMAN: “Next question.”

MIKE: “Ok. Well, since we’re on the subject of your parents…”

Batman throws four bat-a-rangs: one near each of Mike’s hands and one near each of his feet.

MIKE: “Gah!!”

BATMAN: “Next…question.”

 

Mike pulls out his handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his forehead. He then pulls out his inhaler and takes a few puffs.

MIKE: “I…I…what…um,… Tell me about your childhoo..”

Batman rears back another bat-a-rang.

MIKE: “…utility belt. Tell me about your utility belt. Couldn’t help but notice that it has a seemingly endless supply of those really sharp, pointy little throwing things. What else you got in there? Bat-handcuffs? Spare set of bat-keys? Bat-dinner mints, maybe.”

 

BATMAN: “Sure.”

MIKE: “Nice color by the way. I have to admit now seeing you in person that you have a pretty good fashion sense.

BATMAN: “Ok.”

MIKE: “But you’d think wearing a bright yellow belt would make it easier for the criminals to see you.”

BATMAN: “Have you ever seen me before?”

MIKE: “Well, no. But in all fairness, you’ve never seen me before either. And I’m not a criminal.”

Batman smiles ever so slightly.

BATMAN: “Right.”

MIKE: “So, I noticed that…Wait, have you been keeping an eye on me?! Am I under some kind of investigation?!”

Batman remains silent…er.

MIKE: “Why?! I haven’t done anything! I give to charities, pay my taxes…

BATMAN: “And frequent the Iceberg Lounge. A night club run by The Penguin for every hood and low-life in Gotham.”

 

MIKE: “The Iceberg Lounge?! Ok, yes, I’ve been there a time or two but…”

BATMAN: “Try four in the past week.”

MIKE: “They had a sale on daiquiris!! Buy one get one free!! You know how many ladies you can pull with that kind of a deal?! I mean, assuming you like ladies.”

BATMAN: “What?”

MIKE: “Well, you and The Joker seem to have a mighty cozy little relationship. I mean, he doesn’t seem to smile like that for any other authority figure. And then there’s The Riddler. Guy sure does go out of his way to get your attention. But he doesn’t really seem to mind when you catch him. Almost like he wants you to. Ironically enough, I don’t see many reports of you slapping the ole bat-cuffs on Catwoman. What’s wrong? Not into skin tight leather? And don’t get me started on Robin. The Boy Wonder indeed. They don’t call ‘em tights for noth…

Batman grabs Mike by the collar and raises him out of his chair.

BATMAN: “There are over two-hundred bones in the human body. And I know a different way to break each of them.

MIKE: “Wait, wait!! Please! I..I didn’t mean anything by it! I was just joking with ya a bit! Please Mr. Wayne, don’t hurt…!”

BATMAN: “What did you say!!??

MIKE: “Um…I…”

BATMAN: “What…did…you…say!?!?

Mike sweats profusely as his teeth chatter uncontrollably.

BATMAN: “We’re done.”

Batman throws down a smoke pellet. When the smoke clears, neither Batman nor Mike can be seen.