Archive for May, 2012

Fernisms

Posted: May 30, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World
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Quite a few people have asked me why I recruited Ferne for this blog. Well, aside from her bizarre sense of humor, she’s also bizarrely wise. And I mean BIZARRE!! Here’s some proof.

“Winning isn’t the only thing. It’s MY thing!”

“Math is for jerks.”

“I’m just permanently borrowing it.”

“Is it just me or is his son prettier than his daughter?”

“I think zombies are misunderstood. Mainly because they can’t talk.”

“2+2 doesn’t ALWAYS equal 4!”

“Why doesn’t this bathroom have any toilets? Wait, never mind.”

“I don’t care whether or not you’re wrong as long as we agree that I’m right.”

 

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Best of Enemies: Page 4

Posted: May 28, 2012 by baki3626 in Comic Monday
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Page 4

At last, we meet again! And as always, your faces are a delight to see! Um…theoretically. Today, my theoretical friends, I bring you the fourth page of our little story. Things are starting to get a bit more interesting so if you need to get caught up, please just visit the “Comic Monday” section and hopefully some confusion will be alleviated. Some. If you have any other questions or comments, please feel free to leave them at the bottom of the page.

Thanks for your time and I hope you enjoy!

The Secret to my Success

Posted: May 23, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World
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Two years ago, I was an exercise addict.  Two years later, I am addicted to candy bars, but let’s not focus on the present just yet.  I’m all about focusing on the past here.  We have to look backward in order to move forward.  Stay with me. 

During this exercise binge, I exercised daily on my Wii Fit, which worked really well because I love video games.  By working out in this way, I was able to convince myself that I was playing a video game as opposed to exercising.  That was delusional, and this delusion is CRUCIAL to my success.  Here’s why. The mathematical formula for a successful work out plan for me is (10% being there/showing up + 90% Delusion) = I’m kicking ass

I was definitely winning and because the Wii Fit was in my living room, the “showing up” part of the ratio was in the bag. 

Another reason the Wii Fit is awesome is that you get to design a “Mii,” which is your little Wii Avatar.   You then workout (PLAY) as your avatar.  Genius!

 This fitness plan was successful for quite some time, but eventually I got bored with the Wii Fit because I’d mastered all of the fun mini-games, so I decided to purchase the Zumba DVD collection.  If you’re not familiar with Zumba, it’s a Latin dance workout  with hot Latin dance instructors that has hit the infomercial scene HARD.  They even have a Zumba video game for the Wii Fit. 

Here is my official review:  “Meh…..not super impressed.”  The instructors on the DVD are totally trying to get you pumped by talking to you and cheering you on and what not, but just like another notorious children’s Latin television star that I know, “Dora the Explorer,” they aren’t really talking to you, nor can they hear your response, which might be good in my case because there was a lot of Zumba cursing going on. 

 

Plus, I felt like a tool pretending to get excited to clap and dance with myself.  The only time I’ve been remotely excited to dance alone was when my sister and I created our own dance workout called “Cardio Video.”  This invention has little to do with my successful exercise ratio, but I can tell you it is 100% buffoonery; therefore, it is fun.  We can touch on this invention another time.  I can’t share all of my crazy with you guys ALL at once.  Just know that it is awesome! 

Now that we’ve touched on my exercise history and what it takes to be successful if you’re name is Ferne Emery, let’s get back to the present.  About a week ago, my friend Alison told me about this Zumba class she was attending called “Happy Girl Fitness.”  Fun, right? She asked if I wanted to go.  Given that I’d had such an awesome experience with Zumba prior, I politely told Alison to “bite me” because I wasn’t going.  After Alison told me how much fun she’d had, I decided to give it a go, plus the instructor’s name is Precious, so it was worth me going just to see if she had any affiliation to the two blockbuster movies that popped into my head…… 

I’m so glad I decided to give it a try because Zumba with Precious might have just been the best hour of my life.  I also owe Alison an apology for the whole “Bite me” thing.  Precious was so full of awesome energy, and the class was so much fun, that I didn’t even curse once, nor did I have the breath to.   

There was ZERO judgment, and trust me; that’s a good thing.  Precious can seriously move and seriously motivate!  I am now a “Zumba with Precious” addict and a “Happy Girl.”  If any of you live in the Piedmont Triad of North Carolina, you have to look this girl up, and get in on a class.  www.happygirlz.org.  You’ll be so happy you did. 

As for my workout equation, Precious doesn’t hang out in my living room, although she’d be welcome to, so these classes are obviously not in mi casa, but it’s all good.  I look forward to classes all week, so the (10% being there/showing up) of my workout equation is in the bag because I am excited, and I don’t think I need any help with being (90% Delusional. )

 

 

I hope to see you guys in class. 

Best of Enemies: Page 3

Posted: May 21, 2012 by baki3626 in Comic Monday
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Page 3

Welcome back to “Comic Monday” you lovely or loveless people. This is the third page in the story. Hopefully you’re enjoying it thus far and will continue to . If not, please send your hate mail to me along with a $20 bill. 

Until next week…!!

Super-Smasher??

Posted: May 20, 2012 by baki3626 in Hall of Heroes Interviews
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She stopped reading the book as a broad grin smeared her face. At long last, she had found what she’d been looking for: proof. She closed the book, placed it on the table, and literally danced out of the room. “I knew it!!” She began to laugh like a fanatic. “Finally, with this…” She checked her person and noticed she was missing something. “Pooh.” She re-entered the room and picked up the book. “With this, I shall be victorious!”

Later, a man awakes in a room with four stainless-steel walls and no door. “What in the world…?”

“No, sweetie,” said a voice over a loud-speaker. “What in my world.” The man watched as one of the walls slid down to reveal the woman from before sitting in a chair. “Good morning!” She chirped.

“Morning,” said the confused man. “You wouldn’t happen to know how I got here, would you?”

“Oh, I’d happen to know quite a bit. In fact…” she held up the book and grinned, “I’d happen to know every bit.”

“Nice diary. Look’s like you had a pretty good sweet 16.”

“Well, yes. They got me an ice cream cake that actually said my…Wait!” She slammed her fist down on her chair’s armrest. “This isn’t my diary. It’s yours…Super-Smasher.”

“Say huh? Super-what now?”

“There’s no need for the façade. Despite how well it may have served you all these years…” The woman leaned forward in her chair as a sadistic grin slid across her jaw. “..,it’s ultimately, proven as useless as your cynical little attitude.”

The man scratched his head. “Now, you’ve really lost me, lady.”

She furrowed her brow and said in a deep voice, “I’m no mere lady. I’m Mamma Hen. THEE Mamma Hen. And you’ll lose the act or I’ll lose my temper.”

The man raised his hands as if waving a white flag. “Sorry, my mistake Mother Hen. Didn’t mean to …”

The woman slammed both her fists on the armrests. “It’s Mamma! Mamma Hen! And you know it Smasher!!!”

The man studied her intently. “You really think I’m I’m him, don’t you?”

“I know you are.”

“How exactly, Mothe…I mean, Mamma Hen?”

She flipped through the pages of the book and then cleared her throat. “March 19th. Today, I was in line at Biggy’s when Mamma Hen got into a shoot-out with the cops across the street. I knew I had to act fast so I grabbed my gear and went to work.”

The man stood unimpressed. “And?”

“And sure enough, Super-Smasher showed up and worked me like an infant in a sweat shop!”

“Yeah, I saw him do it… through my video-camera. I’m with channel 8.

“What? Channel 8?”

“Yeah. The news station.”

“Fool, I know what channel 8 is! I just don’t care for their coverage. I prefer channel 3.”

“Clearly you didn’t see the story I did on bikini-wearing elephan…”

“Silence! We’ve played your game long enough. Now, we’re going to play mine. We’re currently floating one mile high over a school in Diamond City by way of my lovely airship. A fall from this height would kill just about anybody.”

The man began to show concern. “Yeah, I guess it would.”

“Except of course for Super-Smasher. Why, he’s virtually invulnerable. He’d probably just sprain an ankle or scrape a knee.”

“Probably,” agreed the man.

“However, all the itty-bitty, cutey-booty kiddies directly below him…”

“Would have a lot worse than a sprained ankle.”

Mamma Hen continued to smile as she opened a glass case housing a button. “I’m going to push this and you’re going to fall. If you are in fact Super-Smasher, you’ll have nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, your crash landing will Super-Smash several innocent children to bits. On the other hand, If you are in fact just some unlucky and very annoying cameraman, you’ll be the only one smashed to bits. And I suppose I’d owe you an apology. So, let’s see who’s about to get all…bitsy, shall we?”

“Wait, let’s just…”

“Good-bye camera boy!” She quickly pressed the button. The floor opened beneath the man dropping him like a rock. Mamma Hen happily clapped her hands in celebration. “Ooohh, that was oh so fun! Too bad I could only do it once!”

“That’s not the bad part,” said an unseen voice.

Mamma Hen looked around in a confused panic. “What in the world…?”

“No…” Suddenly, the man from before flew back up through the open floor. He was now wearing a cape and tights with the letter “C” on his chest. “What in my world.”

Mamma Hen was now as angry as she was confused. “Hey, Super-Smasher can’t fly!!”

“I know. But Captain Whirlwind can.”

Captain Whirlwind

“Captain Whirlwind?! Pooh. I got the wrong guy.”

The man smiled as he started to make the airship shake violently. “You have no idea, Mamma.”

THE END

For some the idea of a family vacation may be similar to a horror movie, with chainsaws and grisly times, but in our family we usually have a ball and more people than we can handle! I was fortunate to travel on such a trip with my family and friends to the beautiful islands of St. Thomas and St. John. Overall we had a wonderful time, warm sandy beaches and even free rum 🙂 There were 8 of us, a girls trip, spanning 6 states across the U.S, we all came together in the Cyril King Airport.

Travel tip #1 we found on this trip was to remember the name of the driver of your cab from the airport. When one of us forgot their iPhone in the van by some stroke of luck from the backseat I recalled his name card on the dashboard and we were able to track down the driver, and even get the phone back! See there are some honest people still around!

While I have been to the Caribbean before every time I go I am amazed at the clearness of the water. Growing up on the East coast, most of my experience has been with the cold Atlantic waters, where you can’t see a thing past your ankles. Not so in the Caribbean, you can actually see your toes!

Going in the off season has it perks as well. The beaches were certainly less crowded; we practically had Trunk Bay to ourselves! Trunk Bay was by far my favorite beach that we visited; they have a self-guided snorkel path that you can follow at your own leisure. (for those of you like me that are not comfortable swimming, not to worry there is a lifeguard in a canoe in the area)

A couple of other things to note for those thinking of traveling there: (1) bring your bug repellent, I was eaten alive on those nights that I forgot to put on my Skin-so-soft! (2) there are no economies of scale when it comes to transportation, the cabs charge by the person not the distance! We found a really cool driver to take us around, which was pretty neat 3) don’t forget about the simple pleasures, there was something about the joy of a child chasing a beach ball that really summed it all up.

Ferne Walks into a Bar…

Posted: May 16, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World
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A skeleton walks into a bar.  He asks for a drink and a mop.

Make it a double!!

“Knock, Knock.”  “Who’s There?”  “Daisy.”  “Daisy who?”  “Daisy me rollin, they hatin’.”  

How do you make a taco stand?  Steal its chair.