In my Expert Opinion: “E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial”

Posted: June 20, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World
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I just watched “E.T.:  The Extra Terrestrial” the other evening with my three year old, well, the beginning of it anyway.  Will got scared when Elliott and E.T. see each other for the first time in the cornfield, or whatever kind of field it was, so he bailed out early, and I watched the rest of the movie alone.  It’s been so long since I’ve seen it, that I almost wonder if I ever really saw it prior to now in its entirety.  It was sincerely like watching it for the first time all over again, and I’ve got some insight to share about my movie experience.  I made a list.  

1.  I am inventing a drinking game called “Start taking tequila shots when E.T. starts hammering beers, so you’re passed out by the time the movie gets depressing.”

Win!  This movie bummed me out.  I feel like my dog died, and I foresee that this overwhelming feeling of depression will continue for about a week.  A hangover only lasts a day.  I know which one I’ll choose next time.

2.  Whoever designed E.T.’s character has issues with fecalphilia.  

I don’t know that I need to go into a full length description here, but E.T. looks like a big pile of animated doo doo.  That’s the reason he can bring plants back to life anyway; the guy is a walking compost pile.  

3.  Reece’s Pieces are kiddie crack.  

You know you can’t eat just one.  Crackheads don’t smoke just one crack rock.  It’s the same situation with Reece’s Pieces.

4..  You are who you hang with.  

E.T. starts to die; Elliott starts to die.  Probably because they sat around together and “smoked” a whole bag of Reece’s Pieces.  Kids, pick your friends wisely.  

5..  I hate the government.  

They can’t be trusted.  They will come and take your pet.  This is why they cancelled the NASA program.  

6..  The California Public School System tortured children in the 1980’s.  

By making 10 year old children watch live frogs die before they dismembered them.  What the balls!?  

7..  Drew Barrymore and I share the same birthday.

Except, she’s older.  HA!

8.. You are a pimp if you have a basket on your bike.  

That’s where it’s at.  You can’t make fun of someone with a basket on their bike because of the sheer utilitarian purpose of it.  My mom has an adult tricycle.  No one makes fun of her.  Everyone wants to know where she scored it.  It even has a place on the back for your cooler.  It’s not a basket; it’s better.  

9.  I am thankful for my smartphone.

This movie would have been a lot shorter, and I’d have saved myself a whole lot of time, if Elliott had a blackberry, or an i-phone or SIRI.  

10.  E.T. reminds me of a drunk, old person

Ironically, this is exactly the same thing I think about toddlers.  

It was probably just as well that Will bailed on me because I suppose the movie is still a little too adult for him.  I’m sure a year or so from now I will have forgotten this rant, and I’ll get excited that it’s coming on television again.  Next time, I’m making someone watch it with me.  That is if I don’t decide to practice #1 from my list.

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