Archive for September, 2012

I’d Hit That

Posted: September 18, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World
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I’d Hit That – Hot U.S. Politicians

Unless you live under a rock…or fell of the grid, you probably know that this year is a Presidential Election year.  In the spirit of political discourse, I’m dedicating this blog post to a handful of home-grown, United States politicians I’d like to make out with. 

Joe Biden, Vice President of the United States – Because you, Joe Biden, are a “big f@cking deal.”

Sean Duffy, Congressman from Wisconsin (you may know him from MTV’s Real World 6) – He’s a professional lumberjack athlete.  He likes to play with wood.

 

Barack Obama, POTUS– Yes, yes you can.

 

Paul Ryan, VP Candidate – He’s runs marathons…in the sack.

 

Mitt Romney, POTUS Candidate – Mitt’s the shiznit!

 

Scott Brown, United States Senator from Massachusetts – did a centerfold spread in Cosmopolitan.  Well HELLO Mr. Brown!

Bill Clinton – Former POTUS – He leaves his mark all over the place, especially the ladies hearts.     

 

Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, New Jersey – wants to reduce crime.  Book Me!

 

Aaron Schlock, Congressman from Illinois – “Schlock” rhymes with……..CLOCK!  Geez Louise guys, get your mind out of the gutter.  I’m a mother for goodness sake.

Honorable Mention:  Roger Doofenshmirtz , Mayor of Danville on “Phineas and Ferb” – He’s a cartoon character, but who can resist his charm?

 

Honorable Mention:  Sarah Palin, former Governor of Alaska and 2008 V.P. Candidate – Sarah Palin has a big ol’ set of lady balls, and she’s smokin’ hot!

 

Automatic Disqualification:  Former New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner – Mr. Weiner, your last name is a hard for me to get behind.

 

I mean, who needs “50 Shades of Grey” when you have C-SPAN?  Which political hotties or public servants are on your list?

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HANK

Hello out there in fight land! And welcome to another brutally beautiful beating at the “Ring of the Rough House!” As always, I’m your handsome host, hunky Hank Henderson alongside my brutally beautiful co-host and wife, the heavenly Harriet Henderson.

HARRIET

A very good evening to you, Hank. And thank you oh so much for saving me the trouble of having to introduce myself yet another time. And saving me the trouble of ordering my own meals at restaurants. And saving me the trouble of telling people my take on current events at dinner parties.

HANK

 Oh you’re very welcome dear. Thought it only fair that since you talk so much inside the house I give your overactive vocal cords a rest outside of the house.

 HARRIET

Just as considerate as you are cute. Why I could just hug you until every rib in your body cracked like glass in a blender. And speaking of being huggable, ladies we have quite a treat for you tonight. In the red, white and blue corner weighing in at a gorgeous 235 pounds and standing at an exquisite 6 feet 4 inches, the shield barer, the stars and stripe wearer, Captain America of the U…S….A!!

HANK

 Captain America of the U.S.A? Thanks for clarifying, biscuit-kisses. I was sitting here thinking he was Captain America of the Bahamas.

HARRIET

No problem, turtle-cheeks. I’m use to clarifying everything for you.

HANK

And I’d like to get use to seeing more of our next fighter! In the black corner weighing in at…um…she’s apparently refused to disclose her weight but stands at a very lean 5’10 in her patent leather stilettos. The sexy seductress of…

HARRIET

Slutiness.

HANK

Catwoman!!

HARRIET

Well would you look at that. Men are applauding for a half-dressed skank. To think that I would live to  see the day.

HANK

I was hoping you wouldn’t, honey-hips. But I learned years ago to give up all hope with you.

HARRIET

I’m just glad you’re finally learning. Not many people can flunk out of community colle…

HANK

And there’s the damn bell, finally! Catwoman is looking all kinds of good tonight! The way that leather outfit is fitting her you’d think her body was just poured into it!

HARRIET

And your mouth is currently pouring drool all over your microphone.

HANK

Oops. Would ya hand me that napkin over there, butter-lips?

HARRIET

What’s that cupcake-face? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my heart racing for Captain Beef-cake. Apparently Catwoman’s trampy little tricks aren’t working on this well sculpted hero. Out of desperation Catwoman has turned to her mediocre martial arts.

HANK

Ain’t nothing mediocre about that woman! She’s throwing every fist and kick with such perfect form that I wish I had a camera to take a picture for later. Several pictures!

HARRIET

Too bad none of those perfectly formed punches have landed. Captain Marry-Me and his six pack abs have dodged them all with well toned ease! Wait, what’s this…?

HANK

Catwoman has decided to stop playing with the 30-year-old-virgin and pull out her trusty whip, Helga!

HARRIET

How do you know what her whip’s name is?

HANK

At the beginning of each session she introduces all of her toys to her clients by na…I mean, I read it on the internet at church.

HARRIET

Um-hmmm. You’re lies are about as pitiful as your tramp’s moves. She’s whipping at my star-spangled dream with all her might and he’s blocking them with his shield just like a real man would.

HANK

And now he’s bleeding just like a real school-girl! Catwoman has slashed Captain Cub Scout right across his roided pecs!

HARRIET

Damn, he’s even sexier when he’s bleeding.

HANK

What?

HARRIET

I said, that little scratch from your venereal ridden street walker is gonna cost her! Handsome America has reeled back his unbreakable shield with the might of the army, navy and the marines and is poised to hurl it at Cathussy!

HANK

Captain Golly-Gee-Wiz has thrown his trash can lid at the leather goddess like a man who has absolutely no experience with a woman. But Catwoman easily flips over the giant CD like a gymnast! She’s attacking the now exposed super clown with a flurry of felined fists and kitty kicks! Haha, things are looking pretty bad for the boy with red, white and blue balls!

HARRIET

Like hell they are! Cap’s shield has bounced off a wall at the back of the stadium and is now coming back with the vengeance of the IRS right at Cat-broad’s empty head!

HANK

Turn around you dumb…!

CLANK

HARRIET

 And that’s it folks! Captain America of the damn U…S…of A has beaten my husband’s dreams and dream girl in one perfectly broad shouldered move! Talk about killing two birds with one shield, ‘ey tiddly-toosh?!

HANK

I’ll tiddly your toosh you big mouth, no cooking, bad driving, money spending…

CLANK

 

HARRIET

Now Captain America has now just hit Hank dead in his face with that magnificent shield of his!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

I’d say that it slipped but I don’t like to lie.

HARRIET

I find honesty very attractive. So from all of us here at the “Ring of the Rough-house”, this has been heavenly Harriet Henderson…

CAPTAIN AMERICA

And Captain Steven Rogers saying…

HARRIET AND CAPTAIN AMERICA

Good fight and good night!!

D5: “The Kid”

Posted: September 3, 2012 by baki3626 in Comic Monday
Tags: , , , ,

Code Name: “Justin”

Real Name: Kuu-ravv

Height: 5’7

Weight: 120

Background: Air Force 

Expertise: Aeronautics

Weapon of choice: Tonfa

Powers/Abilities: Able to temporarily manipulate solid matter into different shapes

Quote: “Whatever.”

Many eras ago, a large meteor crashed into the surface of the Earth. Six aliens from Venus happened to be traveling along with this meteor and were put into a preservative state upon impact. After countless millennia ,these foreign beings were finally found by paleontologists and collected by the British government.

While trying to transport the alien creatures to the U.S., the “DEFCON 5” ended up being fatally wounded and were left for dead. To keep the team from dying, the aliens bonded with them hoping to heal their wounds. The bonding process had bizarre consequences the aliens themselves did not anticipate.  

When the aliens fused with the severely injured humans they were able to save their lives. All of them except for Kuu-ravv. Unlike the other aliens, Kuu-ravv was still very young by Venusian standards and as a result his body wasn’t as capable of sustaining a full-grown dying life form. As a result, the original human that Kuu-ravv was trying to save died and Kuu-ravv’s alien consciousness became the dominant one.

The fused being that Kuu-ravv’s efforts yielded is neither human nor alien. It is in fact a mixture of the two with both human and alien traits. As well as some new ones that neither had on their own. His red skin, white hair and large blue eyes are due to the cross breeding of DNA. The fusing also gave Kuu-ravv the ability to alter the shape of any solid object he touches. And since Kuu-ravv’s youthful consciousness became the dominant one, he has the personality of a melancholy teenager. Hence Volt giving him the nickname “Justin” since he sounds like Justin Bieber when he talks.