Archive for the ‘Fight Night’ Category

HANK

Hello out there in fight land! And welcome to another brutally beautiful beating at the “Ring of the Rough House!” As always, I’m your handsome host, hunky Hank Henderson alongside my brutally beautiful co-host and wife, the heavenly Harriet Henderson.

HARRIET

A very good evening to you, Hank. And thank you oh so much for saving me the trouble of having to introduce myself yet another time. And saving me the trouble of ordering my own meals at restaurants. And saving me the trouble of telling people my take on current events at dinner parties.

HANK

 Oh you’re very welcome dear. Thought it only fair that since you talk so much inside the house I give your overactive vocal cords a rest outside of the house.

 HARRIET

Just as considerate as you are cute. Why I could just hug you until every rib in your body cracked like glass in a blender. And speaking of being huggable, ladies we have quite a treat for you tonight. In the red, white and blue corner weighing in at a gorgeous 235 pounds and standing at an exquisite 6 feet 4 inches, the shield barer, the stars and stripe wearer, Captain America of the U…S….A!!

HANK

 Captain America of the U.S.A? Thanks for clarifying, biscuit-kisses. I was sitting here thinking he was Captain America of the Bahamas.

HARRIET

No problem, turtle-cheeks. I’m use to clarifying everything for you.

HANK

And I’d like to get use to seeing more of our next fighter! In the black corner weighing in at…um…she’s apparently refused to disclose her weight but stands at a very lean 5’10 in her patent leather stilettos. The sexy seductress of…

HARRIET

Slutiness.

HANK

Catwoman!!

HARRIET

Well would you look at that. Men are applauding for a half-dressed skank. To think that I would live to  see the day.

HANK

I was hoping you wouldn’t, honey-hips. But I learned years ago to give up all hope with you.

HARRIET

I’m just glad you’re finally learning. Not many people can flunk out of community colle…

HANK

And there’s the damn bell, finally! Catwoman is looking all kinds of good tonight! The way that leather outfit is fitting her you’d think her body was just poured into it!

HARRIET

And your mouth is currently pouring drool all over your microphone.

HANK

Oops. Would ya hand me that napkin over there, butter-lips?

HARRIET

What’s that cupcake-face? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my heart racing for Captain Beef-cake. Apparently Catwoman’s trampy little tricks aren’t working on this well sculpted hero. Out of desperation Catwoman has turned to her mediocre martial arts.

HANK

Ain’t nothing mediocre about that woman! She’s throwing every fist and kick with such perfect form that I wish I had a camera to take a picture for later. Several pictures!

HARRIET

Too bad none of those perfectly formed punches have landed. Captain Marry-Me and his six pack abs have dodged them all with well toned ease! Wait, what’s this…?

HANK

Catwoman has decided to stop playing with the 30-year-old-virgin and pull out her trusty whip, Helga!

HARRIET

How do you know what her whip’s name is?

HANK

At the beginning of each session she introduces all of her toys to her clients by na…I mean, I read it on the internet at church.

HARRIET

Um-hmmm. You’re lies are about as pitiful as your tramp’s moves. She’s whipping at my star-spangled dream with all her might and he’s blocking them with his shield just like a real man would.

HANK

And now he’s bleeding just like a real school-girl! Catwoman has slashed Captain Cub Scout right across his roided pecs!

HARRIET

Damn, he’s even sexier when he’s bleeding.

HANK

What?

HARRIET

I said, that little scratch from your venereal ridden street walker is gonna cost her! Handsome America has reeled back his unbreakable shield with the might of the army, navy and the marines and is poised to hurl it at Cathussy!

HANK

Captain Golly-Gee-Wiz has thrown his trash can lid at the leather goddess like a man who has absolutely no experience with a woman. But Catwoman easily flips over the giant CD like a gymnast! She’s attacking the now exposed super clown with a flurry of felined fists and kitty kicks! Haha, things are looking pretty bad for the boy with red, white and blue balls!

HARRIET

Like hell they are! Cap’s shield has bounced off a wall at the back of the stadium and is now coming back with the vengeance of the IRS right at Cat-broad’s empty head!

HANK

Turn around you dumb…!

CLANK

HARRIET

 And that’s it folks! Captain America of the damn U…S…of A has beaten my husband’s dreams and dream girl in one perfectly broad shouldered move! Talk about killing two birds with one shield, ‘ey tiddly-toosh?!

HANK

I’ll tiddly your toosh you big mouth, no cooking, bad driving, money spending…

CLANK

 

HARRIET

Now Captain America has now just hit Hank dead in his face with that magnificent shield of his!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

I’d say that it slipped but I don’t like to lie.

HARRIET

I find honesty very attractive. So from all of us here at the “Ring of the Rough-house”, this has been heavenly Harriet Henderson…

CAPTAIN AMERICA

And Captain Steven Rogers saying…

HARRIET AND CAPTAIN AMERICA

Good fight and good night!!

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HANK

Good evening fight fans and welcome to another burly brawl with flying fists and crushing kicks at “The Ring of the Rough-House!” I’m your world renown host, Hunky Hank Henderson alongside my lovely co-host and wife Heavenly Harriet Henderson. That’s right, she’s my partner in every way, folks!

HARRIET

That I am, Hank! That I am! And before I introduce the fight fans to tonight’s fighters let me first congratulate you for noticing my presence. At your age, I’m genuinely amazed you can see anything.

HANK

Well at least my eyes are meant for sight and not turning mythological heroes into stone.

HARRIET

Haha, excellent observation, honey-lumps! Remind me to reward you properly for it once we turn these mics off.

HANK

Looking forward to it, cupcake-lips. But right now, let’s reward our patrons with tonight’s festivities! In the blue corner wearing the tattered purple trunks, weighing in at 537 pounds and standing 9 and a half feet tall, he’s big, he’s green and holy damn on a stick is he mean….The Incredible Hulk!!!!

HARRIET

Of course you introduced HIM first. When you get a chance, check the calendar. It’s still 2012.

HANK

Really? Forgive me, tiddly-winks, I thought that was your weight.

HARRIET

Wrong as always, muffin-heart. Now, in the red corner, wearing a gorgeous red and blue swimsuit, red boots, silver arm bands, a simply exquisite tiara…

HANK

Any day now, sugar-britches.

HARRIET

The amazon of amazons, Princess Diana herself, the wondrous Wonder Woman!!!

HANK

It’s a wonder she agreed to get in the ring tonight. The Hulk is so heavily favored that most bets aren’t about whether or not he’ll win but which round he’ll do it in.

HARRIET

Spoken like a true degenerate gambler. Let’s see if we can’t at least stay impartial until you write your bookie his check, aye dimple-face?

HANK

Funny how you didn’t have a problem with me gambling when you bought that Coach bag or those Louis Vouitton’s or the weekly mani-pedis or….

HARRIET

And there’s the bell! Both fighters come out raring to go with their eyes peeled and their dukes up!

HANK

The Hulk throws the first punch and sends Wonder Woman against the ropes like an open minded sorority girl in a frat house!

HARRIET

Who’d know more about girls and ropes than you, pumpkin-patches?

HANK

A) It was your idea! B) You forgot the safe word! C) I thought the park was empt…

HARRIET

What’s this?! Wonder Woman has now managed to wrap her legs around the Hulk’s neck in some kind of a highly acrobatic choke hold! The Hulk is desperately clutching at her legs for dear life!

HANK

Uh-oh, it looks like the Hulk is…yep, he’s down. That skinny little bitc…I mean, Wonder Woman has somehow gotten the Hulk onto the mat!

HARRIET

It would seem as though Wonder Woman and I are mere moments away from victory over every loud mouth, chauvinistic, booze-guzzling, uni-brow having ape in this sesspool filled…!!

HANK

Hold your horses, horse-face! The Hulk is slowly getting up off the mat with Wonder Broad still wrapped around his neck like some unwearable tie his wife got him at the last minute for their anniversary! I think he’s trying to say something!

INCREDIBLE HULK

HULK…SMASH!!!

HANK

Sweet dancing flapjacks smothered in moonshine!! The Hulk has now slammed the dainty little princess against the mat! Her pretty little frame is literally shaking in it’s boots! The Hulk tries to finish the job by stomping her like a scoop of ice cream on hot asphalt…

HARRIET

But Wonder Woman dodges the ugly ogre’s, bunion encrusted foot with the skillful poise of a lioness!

HANK

A lioness?! Really?! Going a bit overboard with the…

HARRIET

She now takes her own foot and kicks the green caveman dead in the jagged shard cave he calls a mouth!

HANK

Yee-ouch, the big guy felt every last inch of those stilettos. Sorry buddy, I’ve been there myself.

HARRIET

Wonder Woman has removed something from her waist. It appears to be a lasso of some kind. A golden lasso, in fact. I must say, it matches her outfit perfectly. The color scheme is very…

HANK

Wonder Dame’s glowing jump-rope doesn’t appear to have scared the Hulk at all. In fact, both him and I are currently laughing at the idea that some shiny little piece of twine could…

HARRIET

Wonder Woman has amazingly hog-tied the Incorrigible Hulk during his laughing fit! She is now swinging him about the ring like a big, green, dumb-ass yo-yo! Faster and faster he goes! I’m getting nauseous just watching him spin but I’m definitely not gonna turn away! They’re going so fast that it just looks like a whirling blur is in the ring!

WONDER WOMAN

Hera help you, monster!

HARRIET

Wonder Woman has released the Hulk from his golden noose and sent him soaring out of the ring and into the rafters like a comet heading back into space!

HANK

Son of a…!!!

HARRIET

The Hulk did indeed smash, fight fans! He smashed through the roof of the coliseum and most likely will smash into the surface of the moon! Officially making Wonder Woman our champion and my husband a chimpanzee!

HANK

How was I suppose to know she’d bring that stupid lasso!? I mean, who brings a lasso to a fight?!

HARRIET

Apparently winners do. Hence your surprise. Well, from all of us at “The Ring of the Rough-House” it’s been a wondrously wonderful evening! This is Heavenly Harriet Henderson and…

HANK

Hunky Hank Henderson…

HANK AND HARRIET

Saying good fight and good night!!