Archive for the ‘Hall of Heroes Interviews’ Category

MIKE

Hello and welcome to another episode of “Behind the Mask.” I’m your host Mike R. Fones and tonight I will be joined by the wall-crawling, web-slinger himself, the spectacular Spider-man! Hello sir and welcome to the program.

SPIDER-MAN

Well hello yourself. Nice intro, Mikey. I should let you announce my arrival every time I go out. Ever been a super hero’s wingman?

MIKE

I use to hit up a few spots with Tony Stark back in the day but that was before he started wearing that fancy suit. Not to mention that leash Pepper keeps him on.

SPIDER-MAN

Yeah, red-heads are really nice.

MIKE

What’s that?

SPIDER-MAN

I said it’s really good to see ya.

MIKE

Yes and you as well, Spider-man.

SPIDER-MAN

Please, call me Spidey.

MIKE

Ah yes, “Spidey.” One of your many nicknames.

SPIDER-MAN

Yep, one of my many…Wait, what? What other nicknames do I have?!

MIKE

Well, over the years I’ve heard you called everything from “web-head” to a “masked menace.”

SPIDER-MAN

Okay, I’ll give ya “web-head.” It’s got a bit of a ring to it. But “masked menace?!” Me?! Do I look like a masked menace?

Mike

You are currently wearing a bright red ski-mask and hanging upside down from the ceiling like a burglar.

SPIDER-MAN

Oops, am I doing that spider-hang-thingy right now? Sorry. Half the time I don’t even realize it. Once had an entire conversation with Doc Ock like this and…

MIKE

Doc Ock? As in Doctor Otto Octavius? The super villain with 8 limbs?

SPIDER-MAN

First of all, how many Doc Ocks do you know? Second, I wouldn’t exactly call that scampering bowl-cut a super anything. He may have half a dozen hands but he’s still all thumbs.

MIKE

And yet he’s managed elude you on several occasions.

SPIDER-MAN

Name one.

MIKE

Last month when he robbed that bank on Elm.

SPIDER-MAN

Happened right after lunch. A combo meal from Taco Town and a pair of tight spandex don’t help the ole spider reflexes in a fight. But that’s what dye packs are for.

MIKE

How about during the Thanksgiving Day parade? He destroyed several balloons and floats while you just watched. You might as well have been eating popcorn while sitting on your daddy’s shoulders.

SPIDER-MAN

He took out Odie, Nermel and a couple of Teletubbies. The crowd was actually cheering him on as he did it. By the way, you seem kinda familiar. Is this our first interview together?

MIKE

Of course it is. And don’t try and change the subject, arachnid!

SPIDER-MAN

What subject, ulcer-face?

MIKE

That you’re in cahoots with Doctor Octopus!

SPIDER-MAN

How dare you accuse me of being in cahoots! By the way, what’s a cahoot?

MIKE

Your little quips won’t get you out of this! I have hard evidence that you have been working with every suped up hood and mega powered crook in the city! They commit the crime and you create some elaborate hoax to help them get away from the police!

SPIDER-MAN

If I was working with the baddies of this town wouldn’t I be able to afford some better duds? Or at least a car? Web swinging may be a  great workout but even I could use a break. And your voice really sounds familiar. You sure we never played Frisbee golf together? How bout softball?

MIKE

Frisbee golf is for sweaty hippies and softball is for angry tom-boys!

SPIDER-MAN

And who’d know more about being angry than you? I’ve seen the Hulk manage his anger better.

MIKE

Well, I’m not the Hulk.

SPIDER-MAN

Nope. And you’re not Mike R. Fones either.

MIKE

Huh…what’re you…what’re you talking about?! Of course I am!

SPIDER-MAN

Wow J.J. Your acting is about as bad as your reporting. Still not quite as bad as your hair though.

 

J. JONAH JAMESON

What?! How’d you…!

SPIDER-MAN

Gimme some credit, pickle-puss. Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize the distinct aroma of those dirty stogies you’re always chomping on?

J. JONAH JAMESON

Damn. Stopped smoking days ago. Smell never leaves.

SPIDER-MAN

Don’t bash the pipe weed too much. Your little “Mike” mask is cute but about as far from effective as you’re blood pressure is from low.

J. JONAH JAMESON

Fine. You figured me out. Big deal. I don’t regret my actions or recant my accusations. You’re nothing more than a pajama’ed criminal and I’ll bring you to justice or die trying!

SPIDER-MAN

Can’t argue with you there, “Grandfather Time.” Your salt and pepper hairstyle is getting saltier by the minute.

J. JONAH JAMESON

One of these days I’ll find out who you are. I’ll take that mask of yours off and expose you to the world for who you really are.

SPIDER-MAN

And one of these days I’ll figure out what the “J” in your name stands for. It’s Jarvis, isn’t it?

J. JONAH JAMESON

Why you…!!!

(Spider-man fires some webbing over J. Jonah Jameson’s mouth shutting him up)

SPIDER-MAN

Later Jarvis!

(Spider-man quickly swings away)

Super-Smasher??

Posted: May 20, 2012 by baki3626 in Hall of Heroes Interviews
Tags: , , , , ,

She stopped reading the book as a broad grin smeared her face. At long last, she had found what she’d been looking for: proof. She closed the book, placed it on the table, and literally danced out of the room. “I knew it!!” She began to laugh like a fanatic. “Finally, with this…” She checked her person and noticed she was missing something. “Pooh.” She re-entered the room and picked up the book. “With this, I shall be victorious!”

Later, a man awakes in a room with four stainless-steel walls and no door. “What in the world…?”

“No, sweetie,” said a voice over a loud-speaker. “What in my world.” The man watched as one of the walls slid down to reveal the woman from before sitting in a chair. “Good morning!” She chirped.

“Morning,” said the confused man. “You wouldn’t happen to know how I got here, would you?”

“Oh, I’d happen to know quite a bit. In fact…” she held up the book and grinned, “I’d happen to know every bit.”

“Nice diary. Look’s like you had a pretty good sweet 16.”

“Well, yes. They got me an ice cream cake that actually said my…Wait!” She slammed her fist down on her chair’s armrest. “This isn’t my diary. It’s yours…Super-Smasher.”

“Say huh? Super-what now?”

“There’s no need for the façade. Despite how well it may have served you all these years…” The woman leaned forward in her chair as a sadistic grin slid across her jaw. “..,it’s ultimately, proven as useless as your cynical little attitude.”

The man scratched his head. “Now, you’ve really lost me, lady.”

She furrowed her brow and said in a deep voice, “I’m no mere lady. I’m Mamma Hen. THEE Mamma Hen. And you’ll lose the act or I’ll lose my temper.”

The man raised his hands as if waving a white flag. “Sorry, my mistake Mother Hen. Didn’t mean to …”

The woman slammed both her fists on the armrests. “It’s Mamma! Mamma Hen! And you know it Smasher!!!”

The man studied her intently. “You really think I’m I’m him, don’t you?”

“I know you are.”

“How exactly, Mothe…I mean, Mamma Hen?”

She flipped through the pages of the book and then cleared her throat. “March 19th. Today, I was in line at Biggy’s when Mamma Hen got into a shoot-out with the cops across the street. I knew I had to act fast so I grabbed my gear and went to work.”

The man stood unimpressed. “And?”

“And sure enough, Super-Smasher showed up and worked me like an infant in a sweat shop!”

“Yeah, I saw him do it… through my video-camera. I’m with channel 8.

“What? Channel 8?”

“Yeah. The news station.”

“Fool, I know what channel 8 is! I just don’t care for their coverage. I prefer channel 3.”

“Clearly you didn’t see the story I did on bikini-wearing elephan…”

“Silence! We’ve played your game long enough. Now, we’re going to play mine. We’re currently floating one mile high over a school in Diamond City by way of my lovely airship. A fall from this height would kill just about anybody.”

The man began to show concern. “Yeah, I guess it would.”

“Except of course for Super-Smasher. Why, he’s virtually invulnerable. He’d probably just sprain an ankle or scrape a knee.”

“Probably,” agreed the man.

“However, all the itty-bitty, cutey-booty kiddies directly below him…”

“Would have a lot worse than a sprained ankle.”

Mamma Hen continued to smile as she opened a glass case housing a button. “I’m going to push this and you’re going to fall. If you are in fact Super-Smasher, you’ll have nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, your crash landing will Super-Smash several innocent children to bits. On the other hand, If you are in fact just some unlucky and very annoying cameraman, you’ll be the only one smashed to bits. And I suppose I’d owe you an apology. So, let’s see who’s about to get all…bitsy, shall we?”

“Wait, let’s just…”

“Good-bye camera boy!” She quickly pressed the button. The floor opened beneath the man dropping him like a rock. Mamma Hen happily clapped her hands in celebration. “Ooohh, that was oh so fun! Too bad I could only do it once!”

“That’s not the bad part,” said an unseen voice.

Mamma Hen looked around in a confused panic. “What in the world…?”

“No…” Suddenly, the man from before flew back up through the open floor. He was now wearing a cape and tights with the letter “C” on his chest. “What in my world.”

Mamma Hen was now as angry as she was confused. “Hey, Super-Smasher can’t fly!!”

“I know. But Captain Whirlwind can.”

Captain Whirlwind

“Captain Whirlwind?! Pooh. I got the wrong guy.”

The man smiled as he started to make the airship shake violently. “You have no idea, Mamma.”

THE END

 

MIKE: “Hello and welcome back to “Behind the Mask”! I’m your host Mike R. Fones and today I have a very special guest. The “King of the cape and cowl”, the Dark Knight himself, Gotham City’s own, Batman. How are you, sir?”

BATMAN: “Fine.”

Mike: “Good, good. Well, thanks for joining us today. I….

BATMAN: “Us? You said this would be one-on-one.”

Batman slowly balls up his fist…tight!

MIKE: “Well, it is just us: you, me and the people that will be watching this on television.”

Batman throws a bat-a-rang at the camera shattering its lens.

BATMAN: “No photography.”

 

MIKE: “Right, right. Sorry, I….”

Batman throws a handful of bat-a-rangs and takes out every light in the studio.

BATMAN: “Or lights.”

MIKE: “Geez!!! I don’t think any of that stuff was insured! Ah well.  Guess I should’ve seen that coming. Haha, get it? Seen and lights…?”

Batman slowly balls up his fist…tight!

MIKE: “Um, moving on, tell us, I MEAN, me, tell me and ONLY me, how you got into super-heroing.”

BATMAN: “Long story.”

MIKE: “No worries. I got long ears! Ha! You know because you said…”

Batman slowly balls up his fist…tight!

MIKE: “What I meant to say is, are you following in the family business? Are your parents crime-fighters? Cops maybe?”

Batman gets silent…er.

BATMAN: “Next question.”

MIKE: “Ok. Well, since we’re on the subject of your parents…”

Batman throws four bat-a-rangs: one near each of Mike’s hands and one near each of his feet.

MIKE: “Gah!!”

BATMAN: “Next…question.”

 

Mike pulls out his handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his forehead. He then pulls out his inhaler and takes a few puffs.

MIKE: “I…I…what…um,… Tell me about your childhoo..”

Batman rears back another bat-a-rang.

MIKE: “…utility belt. Tell me about your utility belt. Couldn’t help but notice that it has a seemingly endless supply of those really sharp, pointy little throwing things. What else you got in there? Bat-handcuffs? Spare set of bat-keys? Bat-dinner mints, maybe.”

 

BATMAN: “Sure.”

MIKE: “Nice color by the way. I have to admit now seeing you in person that you have a pretty good fashion sense.

BATMAN: “Ok.”

MIKE: “But you’d think wearing a bright yellow belt would make it easier for the criminals to see you.”

BATMAN: “Have you ever seen me before?”

MIKE: “Well, no. But in all fairness, you’ve never seen me before either. And I’m not a criminal.”

Batman smiles ever so slightly.

BATMAN: “Right.”

MIKE: “So, I noticed that…Wait, have you been keeping an eye on me?! Am I under some kind of investigation?!”

Batman remains silent…er.

MIKE: “Why?! I haven’t done anything! I give to charities, pay my taxes…

BATMAN: “And frequent the Iceberg Lounge. A night club run by The Penguin for every hood and low-life in Gotham.”

 

MIKE: “The Iceberg Lounge?! Ok, yes, I’ve been there a time or two but…”

BATMAN: “Try four in the past week.”

MIKE: “They had a sale on daiquiris!! Buy one get one free!! You know how many ladies you can pull with that kind of a deal?! I mean, assuming you like ladies.”

BATMAN: “What?”

MIKE: “Well, you and The Joker seem to have a mighty cozy little relationship. I mean, he doesn’t seem to smile like that for any other authority figure. And then there’s The Riddler. Guy sure does go out of his way to get your attention. But he doesn’t really seem to mind when you catch him. Almost like he wants you to. Ironically enough, I don’t see many reports of you slapping the ole bat-cuffs on Catwoman. What’s wrong? Not into skin tight leather? And don’t get me started on Robin. The Boy Wonder indeed. They don’t call ‘em tights for noth…

Batman grabs Mike by the collar and raises him out of his chair.

BATMAN: “There are over two-hundred bones in the human body. And I know a different way to break each of them.

MIKE: “Wait, wait!! Please! I..I didn’t mean anything by it! I was just joking with ya a bit! Please Mr. Wayne, don’t hurt…!”

BATMAN: “What did you say!!??

MIKE: “Um…I…”

BATMAN: “What…did…you…say!?!?

Mike sweats profusely as his teeth chatter uncontrollably.

BATMAN: “We’re done.”

Batman throws down a smoke pellet. When the smoke clears, neither Batman nor Mike can be seen.