Mario, you plunger-handed, mustached-munchkin, I, King Bowser Koopa, have your precious little peach. Princess Peach!! Never realized her actual name was “Peach” until we all played tennis together. Or was it when we were doing all that go-karting? Maybe it was at one of those crazy parties you kept throwing all those years ago. Any hoo, I got the broad!! And if you want her, you will gimme exactly what I want. No questions asked or her platinum perm goes up in smoke!! Bwa-hahahahahaha!!!!!!!
2. 2 dozen new flag poles: Your overall-ed ass has been overall my flagpoles! Things are either bent, covered in marinara or just plain stinky.
3. 3 gallons of turtle wax: That’s right, I’m a turtle. Not a dragon!! And you’ve been jumping on my shell like a toddler on a sugar binge!!
4. 1 new pair of shoes: You get to wear ’em, why can’t I?! Plus my castles are all stone. You know how much it hurts to stub your toe on a big-ass rock…EVERYDAY?! Why do you think I’m always so angry!?
5. 1 giant jacuzzi: Between your bouncing and yanking on my tail, I can barely sit down! Could really use those relaxing jets.
7. 1 full dental package: My chompers have gotten torn to shreds because of you! With all the hammer throws and turtle shells to the mouth and even those stupid tail whaps in that goofy raccoon outfit, my grille looks like an abandoned rock quarry!!!
8. 2 hearing aids: Those damn “super star power ups” of yours play one hell of an annoying tune!! So annoying that it literally ruptured my ear drums!!!
9. 1 super spa treatment complete with a deluxe mani-pedi: My nails are just all kinds of… NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!
10. Luigi’s corpse: Neither of us are gonna miss him. If anybody asks, I did it.
Now, you give me everything on this list and I’ll give you back your high-pitched amazon princess… relatively unharmed. She stubbed her toes a few times.
P.S. Make sure that Toad personally delivers all this to me. Toad and Toad alone! NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!