Posts Tagged ‘Ferne’

I’d Hit That

Posted: September 18, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World
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I’d Hit That – Hot U.S. Politicians

Unless you live under a rock…or fell of the grid, you probably know that this year is a Presidential Election year.  In the spirit of political discourse, I’m dedicating this blog post to a handful of home-grown, United States politicians I’d like to make out with. 

Joe Biden, Vice President of the United States – Because you, Joe Biden, are a “big f@cking deal.”

Sean Duffy, Congressman from Wisconsin (you may know him from MTV’s Real World 6) – He’s a professional lumberjack athlete.  He likes to play with wood.

 

Barack Obama, POTUS– Yes, yes you can.

 

Paul Ryan, VP Candidate – He’s runs marathons…in the sack.

 

Mitt Romney, POTUS Candidate – Mitt’s the shiznit!

 

Scott Brown, United States Senator from Massachusetts – did a centerfold spread in Cosmopolitan.  Well HELLO Mr. Brown!

Bill Clinton – Former POTUS – He leaves his mark all over the place, especially the ladies hearts.     

 

Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, New Jersey – wants to reduce crime.  Book Me!

 

Aaron Schlock, Congressman from Illinois – “Schlock” rhymes with……..CLOCK!  Geez Louise guys, get your mind out of the gutter.  I’m a mother for goodness sake.

Honorable Mention:  Roger Doofenshmirtz , Mayor of Danville on “Phineas and Ferb” – He’s a cartoon character, but who can resist his charm?

 

Honorable Mention:  Sarah Palin, former Governor of Alaska and 2008 V.P. Candidate – Sarah Palin has a big ol’ set of lady balls, and she’s smokin’ hot!

 

Automatic Disqualification:  Former New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner – Mr. Weiner, your last name is a hard for me to get behind.

 

I mean, who needs “50 Shades of Grey” when you have C-SPAN?  Which political hotties or public servants are on your list?

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I don’t get to watch a ton of television that doesn’t include humanoid vehicles or talking ponies, but when I do, I revel in that time.  Imagine my surprise that in four years of not consistently watching adult primetime, I find that Ryan Seacrest has taken over the airwaves.  He’s got “American Idol,” “Keeping up with the Kardashians” and quite a few more gigs that he is either hosting or producing.  Well, “Good for him,” I say!  He was even able to partake in some Olympic 2012 coverage, which spared me an entire 2 weeks of Bob Costas narration, but I kind of feel like he’s everywhere, which quite frankly, has me concerned that he’s planning to take over Earth and its inhabitants in a hostile fashion.   Could it be?

I feel his presence everywhere and anytime I turn the channel whether it is on television or radio, he’s there.  I was watching the 25th Anniversary of “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel this past month, and I’m watching it thinking, “Thank God that Ryan Seacrest doesn’t host ‘Shark Week,’” yet, this is the vision that pops into my mind…

And this…

 And this next one is by far the worst…

All I can say is, “Well played, Ryan Seacrest.  Well played indeed”.   Not only are you taking over the airwaves, you’re taking over ocean waves too.   I guess that’s why they call you “SEAcrest”.   Just keep your filthy mitts off of “Finding Nemo” and other Disney cartoons I watch with my son, and we’re square; otherwise, I’ll have nowhere to escape your plan to go all “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” on me and the rest of Earth.  I’ve heard people refer to him as, “The new Oprah Winfrey.”  I mean, if I was a Pod Person, that’s exactly whose body I’d take over first.  Could Ryan Seacrest REALLY be a body snatcher?  Could this really be?

Yep.   It be.

Let Them Eat Cake…and Cookies

Posted: August 8, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World
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My son turned four last week, and like I expected him to, he requested a Super Mario Galaxy party.  If you recall from one of my previous blog posts “You’re a Mother of Sorts,” you’ll remember that Will thinks Super Mario Galaxy 2 on the Wii is the mecca of Mommy/Will playtime. 

I don’t know why I decided to get all Martha Stewart on the situation, but I chose to make Will’s cake and cookies from scratch rather than order from one of our esteemed and talented local bakeries.  I’ve never made a cake; although, I’ve eaten a ton of it.  When Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake,” I was like, “That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.”  Notice how Marie Antoinette didn’t say, “Let them bake cake.”  That’s because baking is hard, and she didn’t want any of her subjects to have to endure hard, physical labor.  Good looking out, Marie.

If you don’t believe baking is hard, See Exhibit A. 

 

I found the recipe for homemade lofthouse cookies here.  You know, the ones at the grocery store that are super soft and have a buttload of yummy frosting on them?  Well, this lady’s cookies have the fluffiest icing and just look scrumptious.  Mine don’t look like that, and mine took about four hours to prep and bake.  According to my husband, mine look like, “Hamburger patties with melted cheese and olives.”  Guess who didn’t get any cookies?  Kidding….

Baking is also messy.  See Exhibit B.

 

See how in that one picture it looks like my cake was baked in a waffle iron?  I did that on purpose…. Note to self:  When the cake recipe calls for a specific cake pan size, it’s probably a good idea to follow those directions, especially if you’re a novice because you’ll have to start over. 

LUCKILY, buttercream icing is like glue, so I was able to hide some of my less conspicuous imperfections.  Yay for cake glue!  Once I got past the hard parts (baking) I was able to get to the fun part of decorating.  See Exhibit C. 

 

I carved that joker myself because I’m too good for shaped cake pans (actually, they just didn’t have mushroom shaped cake pans at the craft store.)  At least I can cut a straight line.  After all that, here’s the final result.

 

I gave myself a little pat on the back for this first time attempt, and it was pretty darn delicious, if I may say so.  It did take roughly 8 hours total between this cake and the cookies, so I don’t think I’ll be quitting my day job, but I’m pretty stoked about the outcome.   

Now y’all don’t go losing your heads over how awesome this is; it seems a bit silly to lose your head over some cake.  And a big Happy 4th Birthday to my little guy. 

 

I’ve been trying to walk every day.  Health experts say you should strive-to-stride at least 10,000 steps daily.  I don’t know what that equates to in mileage, but who’s counting, right?  Just me and my trusty pedometer, that’s who.  

I generally like to take time during my walks to unplug from handheld technology and just ponder the world I know.  I also like to pretend I’m some sort of “Step Stalker” on my walks with Pedo (sometimes I call it that for short,) which always gets a snicker.  

I found myself reminiscing today during my stroll about the time I went to Target to purchase my pedometer.  Imagine my surprise when the pedometers and similar exercise aids were on lock-down.  Seriously.  I had to call in the Target squad to come unlock the display for me.  I hadn’t realized that pedometers, heart rate monitors, etc. were such “HOT” items.  I don’t recall ever walking in Times Square having people try to peddle pedometers at me.  Other than video games, smart phones and cameras, I dare say I’ve never seen any other Target merchandise “behind bars.”  

Now, let’s venture over to Target’s competitor, Walmart.  

Walmart’s pedometers are wide open, but you can’t buy a razor, or a shotgun or even baby formula without assistance, which makes sense because all of those items purchased in one transaction sounds like a really bad combination.  “Save Money. Live Better.”  Walmart protects its shoppers, and most importantly, their offspring!
I decided to do a little research, and by research, I mean I did a Google search.  I was surprised at my findings.  Did you know that razors and baby formula are two of the most shoplifted items in America?  According to this website, they are. http://www.businessinsurance.org/the-9-most-shoplifted-items-in-america/  

Pedometers are not on that list.  So…why are you corralling the pedometers, Target?  I think they’re worried they’ll get up, and get this….walk away!  Maybe Target is a magical land after it closes, where pedometers like to do walkabouts, travel to the sportswear sections, and become stowaways in pairs of pants like moths to a flame, thus making it incredibly difficult to sell them.  It could happen.  I think I’m on the right track here.  

As far as Target’s daytime magic goes, they do have the power to make me buy items that aren’t on my shopping list.  “ABRACADABRA!  SHAZZAAM!”  Magically broke!  Works every time.

I’m so happy I’ve answered the burning question, “Why are Target pedometers under house arrest?” Yet, I find myself perplexed that by the end of my walk, I have more questions than answers….

What happens in Walmart at night?

Should I be concerned with Heart Rate Monitors and their nightly activities

Until tomorrow….

I just watched “E.T.:  The Extra Terrestrial” the other evening with my three year old, well, the beginning of it anyway.  Will got scared when Elliott and E.T. see each other for the first time in the cornfield, or whatever kind of field it was, so he bailed out early, and I watched the rest of the movie alone.  It’s been so long since I’ve seen it, that I almost wonder if I ever really saw it prior to now in its entirety.  It was sincerely like watching it for the first time all over again, and I’ve got some insight to share about my movie experience.  I made a list.  

1.  I am inventing a drinking game called “Start taking tequila shots when E.T. starts hammering beers, so you’re passed out by the time the movie gets depressing.”

Win!  This movie bummed me out.  I feel like my dog died, and I foresee that this overwhelming feeling of depression will continue for about a week.  A hangover only lasts a day.  I know which one I’ll choose next time.

2.  Whoever designed E.T.’s character has issues with fecalphilia.  

I don’t know that I need to go into a full length description here, but E.T. looks like a big pile of animated doo doo.  That’s the reason he can bring plants back to life anyway; the guy is a walking compost pile.  

3.  Reece’s Pieces are kiddie crack.  

You know you can’t eat just one.  Crackheads don’t smoke just one crack rock.  It’s the same situation with Reece’s Pieces.

4..  You are who you hang with.  

E.T. starts to die; Elliott starts to die.  Probably because they sat around together and “smoked” a whole bag of Reece’s Pieces.  Kids, pick your friends wisely.  

5..  I hate the government.  

They can’t be trusted.  They will come and take your pet.  This is why they cancelled the NASA program.  

6..  The California Public School System tortured children in the 1980’s.  

By making 10 year old children watch live frogs die before they dismembered them.  What the balls!?  

7..  Drew Barrymore and I share the same birthday.

Except, she’s older.  HA!

8.. You are a pimp if you have a basket on your bike.  

That’s where it’s at.  You can’t make fun of someone with a basket on their bike because of the sheer utilitarian purpose of it.  My mom has an adult tricycle.  No one makes fun of her.  Everyone wants to know where she scored it.  It even has a place on the back for your cooler.  It’s not a basket; it’s better.  

9.  I am thankful for my smartphone.

This movie would have been a lot shorter, and I’d have saved myself a whole lot of time, if Elliott had a blackberry, or an i-phone or SIRI.  

10.  E.T. reminds me of a drunk, old person

Ironically, this is exactly the same thing I think about toddlers.  

It was probably just as well that Will bailed on me because I suppose the movie is still a little too adult for him.  I’m sure a year or so from now I will have forgotten this rant, and I’ll get excited that it’s coming on television again.  Next time, I’m making someone watch it with me.  That is if I don’t decide to practice #1 from my list.

I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of Father’s Day, I automatically think of Darth Vader.  The “Star Wars” movies are riddled with ongoing daddy themes, and of course, there is that monumental moment where Vader announces to Luke Skywalker, “I.AM.YOUR.FATHER.”   (You just read that in the James Earl Jones voice… don’t lie.)

People don’t generally dig having their “dirty laundry” aired, so I’m not going to delve deep into the Skywalker’s daddy issues, but I’ll say this much, I think that Darth Vader is really misunderstood.

Take the scene where he chops off Luke’s hand, for instance.  Darth Vader was just trying to knock Luke’s light saber away, as Luke clearly wasn’t trained properly in its use (just ask Yoda.)  Any good dad tries to keep dangerous objects away from their children.  Am I right?  You wouldn’t let your child run about with a kitchen knife pretending to use “the force” on a bell pepper, now would you?  No, you would not, but accidents are sure to happen when you’re using a real laser sword to do your bidding, just as Darth Vader was.  Luke was in the wrong place at the wrong time, surely, and he should be thankful he didn’t lose anything else.

And don’t even get me started on how Vader blows up his daughter’s home planet; she was kidnapped at birth for God’s sake.  Sheesh…give the guy a break here.   He’s a little miffed about that, and who wouldn’t be?

Stepping off the soap box now….y’all don’t come here to listen to my political views.

So clearly I am not alone in my clichéd appreciation for a “Star Wars” themed Father’s Day.  One could spend an entire day internet window shopping for just that.  I personally believe that at least 50% of the handmade community makes a living on “craftifying” “Star Wars” in some way.  If you don’t believe me, go cruise Etsy; type in “Star Wars Father’s Day,” and just sit a spell.  You’ll be there all day.  You’re welcome. 

Cruising these handmade websites is how I decided what to give my baby daddy for Father’s Day this year.

Happy Father’s Day, Ben.

My son’s Father’s Day gift idea for his out of this world daddy actually originated here , and I happened to find a pretty sweet tutorial here.  While I love supporting the handmade community, I am also pretty damn crafty myself, so if I can save a buck or two on a gift by going it solo, I’m game.

I essentially followed the tutorial spot on; however, instead of super glue to attach my Lego people onto the card stock, I used my glue gun because I love my glue gun more than words can describe, and make it a permanent appendage if I could get health insurance to cover the surgery.

Also, Will asked if he could “autograph” the pictures.  That’s pretty much priceless; you can’t buy that anywhere.

The Lego figures were pretty entertaining.  Here are some outtakes of our project!

As you can see, I was trying to get them to reenact scenes from the movies, but Han Solo was up to his typical shenanigans, so Princess Leia had to shut him down pretty quickly because she’s a bad ass mo’fo’, and NOW we know why Vader was so distant and moody all of the time…. “Tootsie?”  I told you he was misunderstood.

Unlike Vader, no one contemplates whether my husband is a good father or not because it’s quite obvious what Will thinks of his daddy.

Chalk It Out

Posted: June 6, 2012 by baki3626 in Ferne's World
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All children love sidewalk chalk.  Some parents tolerate “Chalking it Out” with their children, and some like it.  This mommy loves it.  You get to create masterpieces; it rains; your canvas is blank again.  Voila! If you all knew the prices of art canvases, you’d be thankful for freebies too.  Freebies are pretty SWEET!

Will and I have been bulking up our chalk game for a while now.  We started small with still life portraits of rainbows and what-nots, and we’ve moved on to animate objects.  We drew this little froggie after watching Disney’s “Princess and the Frog” last weekend.

We were pretty impressed and felt it was time to take our A-Game past our driveway and into the real world.  I created a game called “Guerilla Chalking.”  This is where Will and I draw chalk pictures in public, but we try to be discreet.  Unfortunately, Will hears “Guerilla” and thinks there are Primate Picassos running about drawing pictures, so he has to make monkey noises as he draws.  About the only thing Will draws on our outings is attention.

Our focus is to make our local businesses and government agencies smile with our artwork.  We drew this next picture outside of our local police station.

They liked it.  They liked it so much, that they invited even MORE police officers to come and see it.  Then we received a personal police escort to the Magistrate’s office to share our picture with a judge.  I even think he really liked it because he gave me an “accommodation,” something he called a “ticket,” but to me, it is an accolade and an award.

After our success with the Winston-Salem Police Department, Will and I decided to head back to the drawing board on how we should fully integrate our chalk art into the mainstream.  Upon discussion, we decided to abandon our “Guerilla” radical movement and focus on skills in our OWN driveway for the time being.

For example, my organic tomato plants aren’t growing as quickly as I’d like, so we drew them bigger!

Perhaps it was the lack of favorable growing conditions and sunshine that has caused my tomato plants’ stunted growth, so we fixed that problem too.

Now that my tomatoes are growing like crazy, I might just go back and visit the Police Department.  Everyone likes free homegrown veggies on sunny days, except this time, I’ll be taking them the real thing, or else I’ll be receiving another “accolade” of sorts.

Speaking of freebies, you can make your own sidewalk chalk.  Here’s a tutorial to make your own.

http://www.poofycheeks.com/2011/03/homemade-sidewalk-chalk-tutorial.html