HANK
Good evening fight fans and welcome to another burly brawl with flying fists and crushing kicks at “The Ring of the Rough-House!” I’m your world renown host, Hunky Hank Henderson alongside my lovely co-host and wife Heavenly Harriet Henderson. That’s right, she’s my partner in every way, folks!
HARRIET
That I am, Hank! That I am! And before I introduce the fight fans to tonight’s fighters let me first congratulate you for noticing my presence. At your age, I’m genuinely amazed you can see anything.
HANK
Well at least my eyes are meant for sight and not turning mythological heroes into stone.
HARRIET
Haha, excellent observation, honey-lumps! Remind me to reward you properly for it once we turn these mics off.
HANK
Looking forward to it, cupcake-lips. But right now, let’s reward our patrons with tonight’s festivities! In the blue corner wearing the tattered purple trunks, weighing in at 537 pounds and standing 9 and a half feet tall, he’s big, he’s green and holy damn on a stick is he mean….The Incredible Hulk!!!!
HARRIET
Of course you introduced HIM first. When you get a chance, check the calendar. It’s still 2012.
HANK
Really? Forgive me, tiddly-winks, I thought that was your weight.
HARRIET
Wrong as always, muffin-heart. Now, in the red corner, wearing a gorgeous red and blue swimsuit, red boots, silver arm bands, a simply exquisite tiara…
HANK
Any day now, sugar-britches.
HARRIET
The amazon of amazons, Princess Diana herself, the wondrous Wonder Woman!!!
HANK
It’s a wonder she agreed to get in the ring tonight. The Hulk is so heavily favored that most bets aren’t about whether or not he’ll win but which round he’ll do it in.
HARRIET
Spoken like a true degenerate gambler. Let’s see if we can’t at least stay impartial until you write your bookie his check, aye dimple-face?
HANK
Funny how you didn’t have a problem with me gambling when you bought that Coach bag or those Louis Vouitton’s or the weekly mani-pedis or….
HARRIET
And there’s the bell! Both fighters come out raring to go with their eyes peeled and their dukes up!
HANK
The Hulk throws the first punch and sends Wonder Woman against the ropes like an open minded sorority girl in a frat house!
HARRIET
Who’d know more about girls and ropes than you, pumpkin-patches?
HANK
A) It was your idea! B) You forgot the safe word! C) I thought the park was empt…
HARRIET
What’s this?! Wonder Woman has now managed to wrap her legs around the Hulk’s neck in some kind of a highly acrobatic choke hold! The Hulk is desperately clutching at her legs for dear life!
HANK
Uh-oh, it looks like the Hulk is…yep, he’s down. That skinny little bitc…I mean, Wonder Woman has somehow gotten the Hulk onto the mat!
HARRIET
It would seem as though Wonder Woman and I are mere moments away from victory over every loud mouth, chauvinistic, booze-guzzling, uni-brow having ape in this sesspool filled…!!
HANK
Hold your horses, horse-face! The Hulk is slowly getting up off the mat with Wonder Broad still wrapped around his neck like some unwearable tie his wife got him at the last minute for their anniversary! I think he’s trying to say something!
INCREDIBLE HULK
HULK…SMASH!!!
HANK
Sweet dancing flapjacks smothered in moonshine!! The Hulk has now slammed the dainty little princess against the mat! Her pretty little frame is literally shaking in it’s boots! The Hulk tries to finish the job by stomping her like a scoop of ice cream on hot asphalt…
HARRIET
But Wonder Woman dodges the ugly ogre’s, bunion encrusted foot with the skillful poise of a lioness!
HANK
A lioness?! Really?! Going a bit overboard with the…
HARRIET
She now takes her own foot and kicks the green caveman dead in the jagged shard cave he calls a mouth!
HANK
Yee-ouch, the big guy felt every last inch of those stilettos. Sorry buddy, I’ve been there myself.
HARRIET
Wonder Woman has removed something from her waist. It appears to be a lasso of some kind. A golden lasso, in fact. I must say, it matches her outfit perfectly. The color scheme is very…
HANK
Wonder Dame’s glowing jump-rope doesn’t appear to have scared the Hulk at all. In fact, both him and I are currently laughing at the idea that some shiny little piece of twine could…
HARRIET
Wonder Woman has amazingly hog-tied the Incorrigible Hulk during his laughing fit! She is now swinging him about the ring like a big, green, dumb-ass yo-yo! Faster and faster he goes! I’m getting nauseous just watching him spin but I’m definitely not gonna turn away! They’re going so fast that it just looks like a whirling blur is in the ring!
WONDER WOMAN
Hera help you, monster!
HARRIET
Wonder Woman has released the Hulk from his golden noose and sent him soaring out of the ring and into the rafters like a comet heading back into space!
HANK
Son of a…!!!
HARRIET
The Hulk did indeed smash, fight fans! He smashed through the roof of the coliseum and most likely will smash into the surface of the moon! Officially making Wonder Woman our champion and my husband a chimpanzee!
HANK
How was I suppose to know she’d bring that stupid lasso!? I mean, who brings a lasso to a fight?!
HARRIET
Apparently winners do. Hence your surprise. Well, from all of us at “The Ring of the Rough-House” it’s been a wondrously wonderful evening! This is Heavenly Harriet Henderson and…
HANK
Hunky Hank Henderson…
HANK AND HARRIET
Saying good fight and good night!!
Man-Made Murphy 